i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
