someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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