OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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