I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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