You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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