Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
