He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
