I cannot find my penis.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
