We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
