I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
