When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
