he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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