i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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