So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
