Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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