I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I will pee on everything he values.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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