found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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