I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
