I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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