My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
