Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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