a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
