I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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