i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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