youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
