So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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