guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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