I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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