he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
