I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
