there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
