so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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