im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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