i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Randomize
