you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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