break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
