dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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