after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
