i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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