dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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