Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
