WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
