sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
