the condom got lost in my hair
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
