I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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