Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
