Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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