Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
