I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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