Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
