my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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