I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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