I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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