it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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