1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I stole a fireplace last night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
